Everything About You

Having finished reading David Walsh's brilliant 'Seven Deadly Sins' about Lance Armstrong and his systematic cheating I've been left with feelings a book or story has never stirred in me before. 

I've read texts about Henry Hill, Ben Johnson, The Krays, Diego Maradona and other questionable personalities but none left me with the anger and resentment I have now been feeling towards Lance Armstrong.   I guess the one difference that has caused this simmering contempt is our one binding link that is cancer.   From the book it is obvious that he is a vile bully or had no remorse for conning and spouting lies. He was happy to destroy the lives of others as he rode his bike over them on his way to his false glories. He did this after defying the odds to survive the hideous illness that so many don't get the opportunity to beat. And that is what becomes so irksome. He could have been the hero to all those struck down with illness. He could have been the inspiration that brought smiles to all our faces. No, he may not have ever gone on to win the Tour de France but just returning to fitness and competing in the event would have been an achievement far greater than donning any coloured jersey. He would have given hope and pride to all of us diagnosed with the same illness. But no; he let down all those that have suffered this disease. Then he made it worse! He used cancer and his charities as a shield like some almighty gladiator deflecting the ambushes of his accusers. He talked about wanting to find a cure in cowardly efforts to distract from the questions being asked of him. To use the illness and the hopes of cures as a tool in his despicable fight to cover the truth and his own flaws is something that is like a dagger to the heart of someone who has had the misfortune to suffer this disease. And that is why I have been left feeling like I hate everything about Lance Armstrong, motivates me to want to write a blog that probably no one will read about it, makes me feel like wearing a t-shirt with the slogan 'Lance Armstrong is a scumbag' for all to see, or expressing my disgust on the comments section of his smug Instagram account. In my own efforts to take part in a triathlon, that may be small compared to his now disregarded achievements, my disgust for his actions motivate me further and safe in the knowledge I am doing things in the right way. 

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

So it turns out that on Sunday my tyres were flat.  Not a wonder getting the bike to move felt like pushing a JCB straddled by Susan Boyle.
Time to give it another go!  With air in the tyres I fly along.  If I'd have kept peddling the way I was before I would have built thigh muscles like Lou Ferrigno.

 

With my new found confidence and ability to actually overtake the OAPs down by the shop I headed for the stream and did a short and familiar route.  It felt great, I know I could have done further if I wished but I proceeded with caution knowing that I will now enthusiastically jump on my bike in the not so distant future.

Today has been a real lift.  It has improved my mood and helped with my confidence.  Healthy body, healthy mind!

This Is A Low

The last couple of weeks have been a low.  Feeling rough and miserable, thoughts of any physical activity couldn't be further from my mind let alone my desires.  My anti-social barriers have gone up and a successful day is one that involves me leaving the house as little as possible and being able to engage in minimal conversation.  A visit to occupational health did little to lift my mood and just created resentment.  
However on Sunday I managed to lift myself from the slump to have a go on the bike. I know that this will ever give me a shot of confidence and satisfaction or depress me further.  If I struggle I will fall back into a dark hole and slip further down as if the sides are made from treacle.
I've always been able to cycle before.  Even after lengthy  breaks I've been able to do a few miles and feel good about it.  This is the part of the triathlon I'm most looking forward to.  I can do this.


So the bike comes out, I roll down the hill from home.  Then it happens, I inadvertently cycle into that black hole.  My legs are struggling to peddle, I feel like I'm towing a whale and the bike is trundling along minimally.  If I move any slower I will be going backwards. Stress and panic begins to set in, i can't do this, my bike is rubbish, the gears aren't working properly, am I really this unfit.  I reach for my phone, I've cycled less than half a mile . . . shit.  Go a bit further . . .shit.  Reluctantly my helmet comes off and I start a slow walk home with my head bowed in shame . . . shit.  I hop back on for one last surge, it lasts mere seconds.  Then the walk of shame continues.  To add to my disappointment I feel like I'm burning up and feel sick . . .shit.

That was it, my first effort on the bike.  I got home hopped in the shower and then it was the rest of day in bed feeling like crap.  

By the evening though another thought pops in to my head, "how soon can I next get on the bike."

Loser

I've explained my plan and that I will be doing a triathlon to Thomas (6).His deadpan response, "well you won't win."

All Or Nothing!

Think I might be getting a bit carried away now!

Start!

Before I had cancer I recall often reading about people who had beaten cancer and then gone on to make outstanding physical achievements; completing a marathon after recovery, climbing a mountain whilst suffering from the hideous illness and even a professional footballer who played for his team the day after receiving his diagnosis.  In my bubble of family life, work and my own interests I would pay a fleeting moment of attention to these stories with merely a though of "that's nice."  It was only once I began my own battle from cancer that I began to understand their mind-set.  When my recovery from the disease began I gradually changed from wanting to 'get better' to getting my body in a condition as far as possible from the state it has been in for goodness knows how long. After having my body (and mind) ravaged by the disease I have become ambitious to use it to achieve something.  Something I can be proud of and after doing will be a big middle finger to cancer.  Something that would enable me to not only say I recovered from cancer but that I took it even further and to an extreme high!  My mind and body feel like they have been in the gutter and somehow I want to lift them as high as possible.

During the weeks after my operation to remove the majority of my pancreas with a tumour larger than a golf ball, my spleen and six further tumours from my liver I was gripped by the Olympics.  It was essential viewing and vital in me being able to gain a small amount of relaxation in the long and painful hours at home.  I have always loved viewing sport but my passion for the Olympics left me craving more which led to me buying tickets to the London 2017 World Athletics Championships, reading about the Jamaican sprinting phenomenon and watching more and more sports with greater variety.  When I watched the Brownlee Brothers' victorious triathlon though my main thoughts however were, "that looks like hell," and "I would never have ever contemplated putting myself through something as stupid as that."  Yeah, the scenery was stunning and the first bit of the bike run looked like fun.  But the steep incline and run in the final third of the event . . . no thank you.  Things changed over the following weeks.

Late last night after a tiny bit of research I confessed to my wife, Becky, that I want to complete a triathlon.  Something about admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery I guess.  I expected her to laugh at me but she was encouraging, maybe in an effort just to shut me up so we could go to sleep.  I couldn't sleep, I was excited!  The next morning she was even more supportive; I should never have doubted my wonderful wife's support, it is what has got me through the last few months.  I'm not an idiot (well I am but I am realistic) and I am not visualising me in a full scale triathlon next spring.  I know very little about taking part in a triathlon (the training, the organisation and structure of an event) but my aim is to complete a triathlon sprint   (750m swim - 20km cycle - 5km run) within a year of having my operation.  After that, who knows!?!
So it begins, onwards and upwards!