Born Of Frustration

Today every Facebook status about it being Monday already, every meme about not being able to bare Monday and every hashtag bemoaning the haste of the weekend will be like a dagger through the heart. It’s not the fault of the people posting them but being physically unable to get to work today  is so painfully frustrating.

Communication Breakdown

Some books I've read really romanticise running. It' so natural, anyone can do it, just for up your laces and run, it takes us back to our ancestors when we ran to hunt, it makes you feel free.

Some books should tell the truth. It hurts, it's soul destroying when a sixty year old jogger cannot be caught, you feel like spewing. Or how about the momentum of running bounces your bowels around like marbles in a washing machine and makes you need to run faster cos you need a big shit but your legs aren't up to it.

Do You Know What I Mean?

A few definiions for the adjectives to describe my feelings this week.

Ashamed - embarrssed at having to tell people I'm ill again. Ugh, how many times are we going to hear this?

Unreliable- not feeling well enough to work fucks up everybody elses day and makes you untrustworthy. Ugh, could he really not come in? What's the matter with him?

Lethargic - feeling weak and with no energy. Quite happy to stay in bed. When not in bed, thinking about when I can get in bed. Ugh, are you stopping in bed again?

Wortless - I'm going to be out of action again; is there much point in me contributing in the mean time. Ugh, how shall we make plans to carry on withhout you?

Baffled- not sure if illness is a bug, symptoms or just in my head. The feeling of sickness coming and going and appearing out of nowhere on occasions doesn't help. Ugh, are you just ill or is it the cancer?

Frustrated  - wanting to be positive all the time, wanting to tackle things head on, wanting to fight with every ounce of passion in me but not having the energy. Feeling positive for a period only for an overwhelming sense of fear, panic and anxiety to hit. Ugh, I thought you were doing alright?

Can't Always Get What You Want

Whoever made up the saying no news is good news in an idiot. No news, waiting for news . . . that's torture. 

News means you have something to deal with, know where you stand. Waiting for news that will define your life indefinitely? That' painful and miserable.

Positive Tension

Physical exercise is no doubt good for the soul. However, swimming, cycling and running alone leaves the mind with a lot of time to think. Too much time to think. In the pat my hours of solitude in the pool or on the bike have left me reflecting on my journey, cancer, my rotten luck and the crap of been through.

However, as I tackle the new year with a positive attitude and looking forward rather than back my trail of thoughts has altered and taken a more satisfying path. Tackling training on the bike thinking about what I’m going to do next, where I can go faster next time or what future rides can achieve is rather than reflecting on the hellacious journey so far is not only a more positive approach and thought process but makes the whole thing more enjoyable and satisfying.

Moving

You can’t compete with history.

And as I wish everyone a happy new year and see off the year 2017 with a tirade of expletives that is the sentiment that undlerlines my main feelings.

I don’t normally think much of New Year or it’s resolutions. The “new year, new me” crap grates me and I’ve always seen it as merely turning another page on the calendar. You got to bed and wake up the next morning (if you’re lucky) just like all the other days. However, this year for the first time I’m keen to use it as a fresh start. It’s going to be the beginning of my conscious effort to not let cancer to define my feelings and thoughtS. Celebrating how far I’ve come is rightly so a worthwhile exercise but it involves looking backward and dredging up unwanted memories and worries. It inadvertently leads to sobering memories and dark alleys. In 2018 rather than reflecting on what’s happened and how well I’ve done to beat cancer I’m aiming to look forward to where I’m going. My eyes are on what’s ahead and what I’m aiming for and where I want to be next rather than where I’ve been.

Over And Over

Up, down, up again, down again.  Probably not unusual for anyone but after everything that has happened the downs are rock bottom and the ups feel like euphoria.  Bipolar has become the default setting. 

One day you’re riding your bik, setting targets and beginning to feel physically normal. Then you’re scar is painful for weeks, your energy levels drop to those of an animic sloth and just getting your leg over the bike seems an impossible task. From buzzing at work to each day beginning to a choke of anxiety at the thought of the day ahead. From being out celebrating Christmas and enjoying a night out for the first time in more than two years to within days struggling to get out of bed. It’s horrid. You don’t know what is around the corner. The more it happens the more you feel apprehensive even on the good days, not knowing how long it will last and what will knock you down next.  When you bounce back it feels like a resurrection but the set backs make you feel like a failure and a fraud. The last few years have ensured their is no balance just up, down, up again, down again, no middle ground and a tiring climb or descent to worsen the blow.