God

The church services with school have always been highlight since of the term for me, finishing a busy term with the whole school together under one roof in a classical setting and the children singing beautifully in unison. I normally come away with a feeling of warmth and content, a peaceful way to say goodbye the chaos of a busy term and to usher in the school holidays. The Christmas service in particular is always a particularly special event but the Easter edition is also touching in its own right. 

However, my overriding feeling throughout today's service was one of detachment. 

This was the first time I'd been to a church service since first becoming ill. In all honesty the words of the readings were a blur. I could hear the children were reading strongly and in some cases passionately but the words were lost somewhere between the lectern and my position at the back of the church. Usually I admire the features of the building, the art, the stained glass windows, the artefacts and carvings but today I barely noticed anything from beyond my arms reach. 

Why such detachment? 

At best I have had a casual relationship with God. Faith in the creator, willing to support other's values, teaching of Bible stories and symbols, comfort taken from belief but not a regular church goer or Bible reader. Becoming ill though created many questions and feelings in myself that. Never expected, not least about religion. If thHe ere is a God why would he make people ill and suffer? Was it a God who chose for me to survive and save me before? Bitterness and a feeling of being screwed over. Beliefs and values are pointless. A reluctance to give up and keep faith? The desire for a sign or some from of reassurance  to take comfort from. 

I don't' expect to find the answers and responses, especially when wrapped in a cocoon of bewilderment and confusion during. There might also be a case of not wanting to too.